I shared my room with her for at least 6 years. She is so active. Going out most of the time, rain or shine. Her dressing is always the same. She likes to just sit down for a cup of coffee. Or maybe spend the whole day in front of the television. The sound she makes walking up the stairs after watching the 9pm show is all so familiar. More so of her habit of bringing a cup of water up before going to the toilet. Then she will blast her discman while sometimes humming along with it. I will be at my computer wondering "what the hell".

She has the habit of waking up in the middle of the night to go toilet, sometimes not before stepping on my leg. She knows my habit of watching soccer. If I stay downstairs after 10pm, she will surely ask me if I am watching. I understand that she wants to continue watching TV but is too lonely to do so. She has a problem with maids too.

Every maid has to live with her scoldings. Her standards are just too high and my mum has to live with her complaints. No doubt, her cooking is great. Not to mention her love for getting a round tray and putting her dishes on it before making her way to the living room to eat, much to the dissatisfaction of my mum. One good thing is she always leave the best dishes for me and my father. Her favourite food is pizza and will persuade my mum to order it from time to time.
I still remember her always scolding me for staying on the computer for too long. I am surprised she can even hear it given the fact that she has to wear the ear piece while watching TV.
She is the one who kills the cockroaches up stairs. She always comments on this weakness of mine. There was this one night I had to wake her up because a cockroach crawled under my mattress. She didn't look annoyed but enthusiatically looked for it.

She wanted to watch a HK TV serial with me, but I always had no time. She wanted to travel to Thailand but it was too inconvenient due to her health problems. She loves mahjong but would always stand beside the mahjong table while my relatives are playing. That's because she doesn't like the idea of it while my sister and I are studying. Nevertheless, she enjoys looking, just plain looking.

Recently, she wanted to see me but I was always busy in camp. She wanted to say something but always forgot in the middle of her sentence. She forgets that I am in the army now and no longer studying. She no longer watches television but just lay in her bed, passing her time in pain. She has no one to talk to, nor anything to do. She is just too weak and tired to do so. She wanted to come home and stay but was too ill to do so. When she finally did come home for one day, she was too tired to stay awake. A few days later, she went to eternal paradise, never to be plagued again by pain and loneliness. I know that one of the first person she will look down for is me. I know that she is finally enjoying after working so hard all her life.

I never showed how much I loved her. I never told her how much I appreciated her. I knew she loves to talk to people, but I didn't talk to her much. She is always the one pampering me, not the other way round. When I saw her in the coffin today, I realised how much I didn't treasure her in person, her funny habits, her way of life, her love, her generousity. When I saw how frail and how much she toned down in terms of muscle and fat, I realised how much she suffered. And while she was suffering, she was alone. I could do nothing. How I wish she would be lying on her bed now, talking to me while I am using my computer. I have so many things to tell her suddenly. I wish to see her for another day, to see all her habits and all the interesting comments she would make. When I saw her in the coffin, I held back. I didn't want to cry. I couldn't bear to see her again. I looked as though nothing has happened. But in my heart I teared in guilt. It was like just yesterday I had a decent conversation with her. Her only wish is to see me succeed in life. We have shared the same room for so many years, she is just as close to me as my immediate family. There is this special bond between us. I recognise her snores and all, just as she recognises those english words coming out from me while I was dreaming. We were spiritually close. In a short span of a year, her condition deteoriated so much. Now that she is gone, I still can't accept the fact. I am too used to her being around. I don't know what to say now. I am just venting all my sorrow here and to remind myself not to take anyone for granted. I pray that she is happy in heaven and that God will take good care of her, just as she has taken good care of all of us.

In memory of my beloved grandmother,

the late Madam Ho Pow Ping.