Many people wonder why I am so eager to start studying again. I am not a person who likes idling around the whole day, doing nothing constructive and wasting my life. I like to be busy doing things which adds value to my life(not to be confused with stressed). Nowadays, sad to say, I am wasting my time. Just waiting for time to pass when I can finally live for myself and the people around me. The feeling now is horrible. I have nothing to look forward to except ORD. Nothing is happening of late. The boredom and uselessness keeps building up. Getting back to school will also bring the social side of me back from its slumber. Yes it is hibernating now. As it is, my unit dosen't have many people, and the difficulty of finding like-minded people in that environment just irritates me. A common topic is just plain military stuff. That's all.

My life is reaching a point where I need to find new interests to keep my morale up and speed up the process to finally getting back my pink IC. It really is a bad idea to use the colour pink. Don't you agree?

I'm going to Tekong tomorrow AGAIN. I have been shuttling between home and that island for 2 weeks now. Ok, I don't mind going there actually. I just don't like my Bangla duties over there. I didn't train for a freaking year to qualify as a Bangla. Anyway, it really beats going back to camp. At least I get to see SISPEC again. So many memories. What a pity it is empty now. I would love to see the trainees going through what I have been through.

I am addicted to buying books. I love to buy movies and books. Before long, I will have a huge collection to keep me entertained for my retirement. Haha. But besides being on the computer, I love reading. If computers were never invented, I would be in bed all day rushing through book after book. Yes I rush through books. It's so exciting that I can't wait to know the ending. The good thing is that the second time I read it, it would seem that it is another book altogether. If this boredom carries on, I will be back to my reading ways.

An entry for 19th March 2006:

I am at Tekong Ferry Terminal. going back to main land to collect something from someone. Top secret mission. The view from here is fantastic. I can see the bright lights of Singapore piercing through the darkness lingering just above the sea. Where there is light, there is life (reminds me of a quote from my friend after being asked to clean the toilet. "whatever is wet, is clean"). I can feel the activity over there, vehicles moving around lazily, planes ascending gracefully, people staring out into the sea, like me. Yet a large stretch of dark lifeless body of water separates me from them.

Flashback to the time when I was a kid, on board the car carrier. Being surrounded by a seemingly infinite amount of water was too overwhleming. But it slowly became part of kiddy me. Now that I have grown up, that feeling has come back. I can feel the pressure if being in the presence of such greatness. Yet I like to listen to the melody of the waves. To me, it is freedom.

Back to present, when I read an article of outer space linking to spirituality. The power and vastness of space is so immensely greater than that of the oceans. I can't imagine myself being up there alone. A lone worthless matter with respect to the majesty of space, peering down at all the goodness of Earth. How... I can't think of a word to describe how I feel. Imagine it yourself. Luckily, we are big enough to make a difference to others, as well as our own destiny.

I am just like a kid. I think about playing all day long. Once I got my new game on Friday, I have been totally engrossed in it. And the people around me suffer as a result. I spend most of my time in front of this dumb screen looking at all the dead images. I come to wonder if I should pay more attention to the living people around me. Take for example my aunt who was talking to me just now. I wasn't really paying attention as usual and it was only after she left that I realised that she was actually talking to me. I just muttered something back and carried on with my game. I felt really bad after that. Every weekend, it's the same old story. I always try very hard to spend more time with people and not machines. It is improving but still not good enough. The people around me deserve much better. They don't have to suit me everytime and look at my moods to decide what to do. I feel bad now. At least the weekend is still not over. I am really sorry to whom I may have paid little attention to. I didn't mean it. I shall be more sensitive next time.

I was thinking of my university and career path the last few days. I realise the decisions I make now might affect me for the rest of my life. I am really at the crossroads of my life now, deciding which way is the most ideal yet practical for myself. One major problem is that I am not sure of my limits. I am worried of over-stretching myself as well as giving myself too much pressure. I am so used to studying when I like and at a relaxed pace. For me, it is studying smart.

I have long wanted to apply for a Law/Business double degree. Getting both degrees would be perfect for my career. But I feel that I might be overly ambitious. I always am, that is why I take extra care to consider whether it falls within my capabilities. In this case, I am afraid to try. I would rather wait till I have completed my first year and then, see if I can cope, before applying. So this issue is settled.

Working in a small firm has its plus points. The bonds between the people would be stronger and one's capabilities more recognised. Working in a large firm however would also mean a wider range of opportunites and exposure. The main reason why I want to apply for the SIA scholarship is that I will have many opportunities to go overseas. I would like to see the world again and I believe in doing it while working. Saves a whole lot of time. Unfortunately, SIA scholarship isn't so easy to obtain. This is especially so when I don't have 'S' papers. Seriously, I never thought I would have done so well. In Year 1 when I was supposed to go for a scholarship preparatory programme interview, I skipped it. Reason being I never thought I was of that calibre. That later became one of my biggest regrets. So I learnt, never ever underestimate myself. I wouldn't have lost anything if I went for that interview. Gosh, what was I thinking then? And now, I am having problems applying for my dream. Whew!

I have been doing parades for the past few days. I find it stupid. I think I am getting black, not tanned. Seems like I have been in the sun consistently for the past 3 weeks. I am already immuned to sun burns. The other guys look awful with all their skin tearing off and patches of red spot all over their faces and bodies. *shiver*

I am tired. I need a good rest this weekend, and a good meal.