uncomfortably unbalanced

That's my life right now. Firstly, I would like to assure all my friends in other faculties that law school is no longer slack. That is past. No more. Do not associate me with the tag of 'nothing to do' anymore. It is getting busier now that I know what examiners want, reseach project deadline approaching and still more readings to do. As I always say, busy can only mean good. No one second of life is wasted. Other redundant things are kept out of your mind. Focus is maintained and time flies faster than an eagle.

Why do I say it is unbalanced then? Because I spend most of my time on the floor of the library. Not an ideal platform to be on for someone doing research. It could only mean papers and books strewn all over the place. Posture suffers and so does concentration. I like to feel busy but I don't like to feel comfortable while feeling busy. Unbalanced point number 1 made.

Point number 2. My brain is being worked to its limits recently. Constitutional law, tort, contract, research. Sometimes, I wonder if it is expanding, just like how muscles expand when worked on. Ok it does not happen to a brain but I made my point. After 14 years of school, I finally understand what it is like to use your brain. As in literally sit there and use your brain. Read, think, read, analyse, think. Please do tell me if anyone of you suspect that my head has grown bigger. It would be most unsightly and I will try my best to ice-pack it. The unbalanced part comes in because although the brain is exercised, the rest of the body is not. Not that I am lazy. Nonsense. I can't. I miss the runs I used to do around my nice quiet neighbourhood. Nowadays, I feel my heart weakening. I can no longer complete 1km. My foot has let me down again and again. The 'unfitness' in me is overwhelming and yet, I can't do anything about it.

Rambling stops here. I'm going back to be a judge.

not bored

ok, I was wrong. I am not bored. I shouldn't have said so. Almost the next day, a large bombshell dropped on me and I spent my school-less day (today) reading cases. So many words that till now, I still envision words dancing around my head. After reading, I still had to go to school in the evening for a discussion. I'm not bored. I will never be bored again, please, no more bombshells (as if anyone will listen).

I enjoy running around the library, photocopying stuff, highlighting stuff and checking up cases. It is not the stress that I enjoy. Rather, it is the process. I like to feel busy and this profession will guarantee it.

I feel like a devil. Always up to no good. One day, retribution will befall me and I will end up being victimized. Not that embarrassment is something I am vulnerable to. I'm just worried it will come in other forms. I just hope retribution loses its way. I am not naughty at heart, I just can't resist the juiciness of things.

P.S. I can't blog about my inner feelings about law school and the people now that you guys have found my blog. Damn it!

bored

im so bored with everything now. nothing new is coming in. nothing new to do. nothing exciting to hope for. hmmm...im so bored!! nothing interests me anymore. someone save me. pls.

Crappy Crabby

The best way to eat a crab is to do it naked. Then you don't have to care if the gravy splashes all over. Anyway I think crabs are overrated. For all the trouble of hammering, digging, sucking and poking, you only get that bit of meat. Ok, I'm just whining becasue I had some gravy on my shirt just now. Seafood rocks. I could live on an island the size of a toilet bowl alone so long as there is an abundance of seafood around me. Perhaps a couple of mermaids would help a great deal too.

I spent the entire weekend doing what I am best at. I did nothing. Nothing. I console myself by saying that I work my ass off during weekdays so the weekend is for R&R. Exams are still 1 month away. No problem. Once reading week kicks in, I will sell my bed and eat paper for dinner. That is my plan. But that is no good if I want to do well. I know.

spoilt foot

While tennising today, my foot broke down again. :=(
During a sudden brake in one of my sprints, I felt something go out of place near my ankle. And it hurt horribly. By the time I finished showering, I was already limping. It was until I got home that I found out the problem. While rubbing my ankle, I unknowingly pushed something back into its original position. It felt like a vein/artery etc. It was over my bone (when it is supposed to be behind) and that's why it hurt so much. It still hurt, but not as much.

I was in a hurry just now in Marina. Everyone had already finished eating when I arrived. I felt bad, so I quickly cook the food and ate it. Most of it was 20% raw I think. I can feel a tummyache in the making. I never liked eating such stuff. On hindsight, it would be better if I just bought a packet noodles. Silly me. Because of the food, I have an insatiable thirst now.

My classmates are so funny. It seems that all of us enjoy gossiping and matchmaking. And the fact that all of them are still so green in this area of discipline makes it more interesting. Unfortunately for some of them, I am very alert and can tell if someone is in love.

sorry..

I am so sorry I sent you to heaven earlier then you expected. But I couldn't help it. The first time I saw you, I knew you had to go. Who knows what you will do to me while I sleep. Although I wasn't wearing my specs then, the mere outline and colour of your body presented no doubt as to your identity. You look so big and scary that for a moment, I felt really vulnerable. While I was looking for a weapon, you just stood there unperturbed. Why?! Had you decided to escape, I would not be able to do anything. Did you not notice the sinister smile on my face when I found the perfect weapon? By the time you decided to run for your life, it was too late. I thought there was no pain. Perhaps you didn't even know what hit you. I had to slam it down with all my might to make sure it was a quick byebye. To be honest, I felt really bad when everything was over. When I tried to see if you were still alive, I found out that the crime scene was messy. I had to take a broom, dustpan and newspaper to clear up the mess. Sorry that you were still struggling. To atone for my sin, i have decided to erect a tombstone for you. Just for tonight. Goodbye little cockroach. Help me say hi to xiaoqiang.

dreams...

nights...what a joy to be able to sleep nice and comfy. BUT I haven't been able to sleep immediately after hitting the bed. Even after sleeping, I will dream of monsters chasing me and trying to eat me up. Some nights I will be the one chasing people. In short, I have been involved in chases most of the nights. I end up more tired when I wake up. Because of that, I am developing a bad habit. I set my alarm clock at 7am. When it rings, I decide I can cut 15 mins from my prep time. So I reset it till 715am. When it rings again, I decide I can push it some more. Why would a guy need so much time to prepare for school? 730 then! Actually it makes no difference since the repetitive action of waking up and sleeping cancels out all that extra sleep.

I think that school is too small. It is so small that sound cannot escape. Recently, I find that everyone is shouting into my ears. They are not literally doing it but it felt like that. Yes and I think the canteen is very small too. It is either out in the sun or next to the toilet. How appetizing.

when the rain came...

Heaven decided to shelter me from the sun on friday. My first sporting exertion since an eternity ago proceded under thick clouds - rain clouds. But since we didn't want the raindrops to dampen our mood, especially since I've brought all my stuff across half the island. Play we did. Fun we had. The rain came and went, came and went again. The fella in charge of rain must be having fun. He drenched us, then sun us and repeated the whole process again. The sole of my right shoe came off, then the other too. And since I predicted the night before that it wouldn't rain, I didn't bring an extra pair of shorts, underwear and no slippers. Great. I don't even know why I showered after that. After all, I had been showering on the court for 2 hours. After the shower, I attended a talk on evolution. Right. I could feel my wet ass evolving into a wrinkled raisin ass.

Talking about asses, I came across a case whereby a man tied his ass to the side of the road only to have it killed by a car a while later. On first impression, I found it extremely funny for someone to tie his ass (backside) to the side of the road, only to have someone kill it.

Anyway, it started raining again after my talk. It was a clear indication as to how I should go home. By the time I managed to shower properly, my ass (as in the one behind) was ice cold. When the rain came, my ass turns cold.

time

I have so much time on my hands I don't know what to do with it. This statement is going to cause an uproar. Why am I so free? Seriously, I don't know. Perhaps it's because I haven't got down to hard studying yet. Perhaps we were just introduced to the library (I'll have to pitch a tent in there soon). Perhaps I allocated too much time to myself. I don't know. All I know is time is not a luxury now. Not yet.

thurs night!

I had to put that exclamation mark! Because it is thursday night! I can already smell the weekend. There is only 1 tutorial tomorrow and it is my favourite. After that is over, it is glorious weekend. I feel overjoyed when this time of the week approaches. Another week of an already short semester gone and it is time for another excellent weekend. Not that I hate school, but weekends are just magical. That is especially true after 2 years of NS. I guess it is inherent already.

Another reason why I am so happy today is I am playing tennis tomorrow! That means exercise and true blue perspiration. Gosh! I can't describe my feelings.

Car

I have been having mixed emoitons about it lately. Of course it is nice to have a car to drive. It is like an added pair of wings. Suddenly, the whole island seem to be within reach. Or rather, all the food on the island becomes accessible without the possibility of me dying of hunger before I reach them. No squeezing on public transport and no unnecessary stops. All obvious facts I know.

But driving has its fair share of horn-slamming moments too. It could be that my temper is worsening. I don't know. But somehow some drivers are out to get into a collision for some reason or another. And it is not my fault to begin with. It is crazy how these events can spoil an otherwise wonderful day.

Ok. I will admit. The main purpose of this post is so that I can change my MSN nick. It is difficult to explain why I have 'marriage and kids' as my sub-nick. And for those interested, I'm not even ready for another relationship yet, much less M&K.

marriage and kids

Being the self-admiring person who has to look at his blog before he sleeps, I spotted your post. This post is dedicated to you kal. It's your favourite topic. Feel honoured.

The sacred mission. I crapped about work earlier and that it should not occupy a humongous portion of life. There are other things in life. Like my topic. Marriage is THE event in life when you declare that you have filled the vaccum in the heart. Humans are made such that they are destined to be in pairs. Like adam and eve. It takes a great deal of self-denial to be able to live 80 years alone and declare that your life is complete. Friend and darling is different. A friend can never reach the level of love and attention that can be afforded to you by your darling. After all, that friend would eventually leave you for a darling.

Kids are gifts from heaven. Take away their mischievous side and you have a little angel. Add in that mischievous side and you have a mischievous little angel. The thing I like most about kids is their innocence and candidness. They will liven your life up so much that all the work stress and emo-problems will disappear in a snap of fingers. And, there is no greater satisfaction than seeing your kid grow up, succeed in life and later support you and your darling in old age.

Marriage and kids are not taboo topics. They are in fact part of the reason of our existence here. I know, beneath that unwilling and independant facade is a warm-hearted desire to embrace both missions. You can argue with me when you see me.

busy bee

I'm not busy. But everyone else is. It is so sad that relationships loosen because of work. To start with, we weren't even put on Earth to work like slaves. And for what? Money? Money is important. I always dream of building my dream house. That needs money. But there cannot be one goal in life. It is defying the meaning of life. There should be multiple goals, each having different weights in different points of life. Maintaining good relationships is one that should always be somewhere near the top. Humans are social creatures and we should do just that. Socialising as in interacting and not just physically present with other human bodies. How is it that some people can study alone everyday and not feel empty inside? They might, just that I don't know. So then, what is the purpose of studying so hard? To be successful and earn lots of money which leads to further isolation. More time spent on work and the vicious cycle continues.

I can't do that. Life is like the game of Sims. To interact with everything around, people especially. Work is never always more important than relationships. People say that I am very free when in fact, I make it a point to put down everything to talk. Just a short talk with a good friend is enough to brighten up the day. Why darken a day with work then? 24 hours a day. Is that not enough to complete whatever work that is dumped on us. If the answer is a positive, it must be a really dark and sad life. Friends, embrace the people around you.

I am still restrictive and careful. To the extent that on hindsight, I always agree that I should not be like that. I want to be honest and open with my interactions but I just cannot do it. There are only a few people whom I can talk to without any reservations. Maybe I should westernise myself and stop feeling shy or worried about whatever outcome. To take things as they come is a virtue. Right now, I am restricting the things that might come. BOTH the good and the bad. I know that I am missing out more good than bad.

To be HONEST, it is all right if no one understands my blabberings today, it is a personal wake up call. One of the unticked items on my checklist to maturity.

Saying 'I love you' is the hardest thing to do. Demonstrating it is easier and more sincere.

Tired

This has got to be the most mentally draining week. The idea of slack school life is gradually changing. I suspect this is only the beginning. I come home every day feeling that I can't do any more work. No more law for the day. Well, that's not possible. To perk myself up, I resort to some nice music like now, before turning back to work again.

I like this feeling though. I like to feel busy. I like law. I like going to school.
I like to sleep.

Transformation..

I WAS feeling down recently. And I had no idea why. A knot somewhere in my body. Perhaps more than one even. Today, after the torts test, I understood. It is all because of this damn test! For the first time in my life, I don't know if I have studied enough or truly understood everything. Everything is so grey. Whenever I do something else other than study, I wonder at the back of my head if I should be finding things to read instead. It is quite impossible to plan out my study timetable.
Uncertainty = Drop in morale
I am back to normal again, thankfully. And to reward myself, I treated myself to a HUGE dinner. I am feeling sick now. But I was so hungry. Going home during rush hour is a nightmare. I'd rather sleep over in school. But then again, my bolster is too large to bring to school.
Just now, something triggered something again. And I let out a loud SIGH before going back to my readings. Some things can never be thrown into the dustbin.

study..

After recess week, I learnt an extremely valuable lesson. I can't study at home. I could do it for Os and As. But it is different now. The texts I face are long and windy. It takes a great deal of concentration more to conquer it. I decided to try something new today. I went to some place far away. Far from my computer, far from my bed, far from the heat and space of the dining room.

I study best in a small air-conditioned room, in an upright position with a huge table and it does not matter if I have company. It seems strange but I feel happy after that dosage of studying. It's what people call satisfaction.