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Sunday, January 30, 2005

Today has been a very busy day. I went out with May in the afternoon and spent time doing my army stuff when I came back. May gave me a very very sweet letter. Really appreciate it. I didn't understand the meaning of love in the past. I didn't know how to cherish it nor feel it. Now I do. Not only from May, but from my family. Believe it or not, I have learnt to be a more sensitive and understanding person. When a person undergoes a tough period, he starts to feel what he has never felt before, understand what he has never understood before and cherish what he has never bothered about before. This period is also known as a transition from boy to man. There is still a long period of NS ahead of me and I'm sure I will learn many more things. What is hardship? It is nothing.

See ya guys next week.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Lalala.. I'm listening to my mp3 now. Music is my life. My singing is horrible I know but it will improve. Anyway it really relaxes my nerves and soothes the mood. Too bad those crappy people in camp don't allow us to bring it in. Makes no sense. Well, nothing makes sense in there.

Here I am fiddling with my computer again. I feel tired but I am looking for things to do. I don't want to sleep so early. It's a total waste of time. Before I know it, I will be back in camp. How I wish I don't need to sleep at all. That's impossible though. I got a another long week ahead of me and I need a good rest just in case I have another bad night on Sunday. I miss my friends. I wonder how their lives have been after retiring from studies. I wonder if those in the army are coping well. I wonder when I will get to see them again and sit down for a good long talking cock session. My throat hasn't been good for the past fortnight, so I try to cut down talking recently. I yearn for the chance to yak away again. Perhaps in March when we meet again to get our results. Perhaps it will only be then when we can all meet up again. And perhaps it will be our last meeting. Whatever the case, good luck wherever you guys are.

I went to East Coast for dinner with my family just now. I am sick and tired of rice and all the side dishes. I wanted something different. Something like prawn noodles and satay. Yummy! To heck with my cough. It will cure on its own, soon. I enjoyed my meal thoroughly. It's been a long time since I enjoyed my food, really. Army also helps to convert gluttons. Haha. I am an example. I don't eat as much as I did anymore. Don't know why. That's fine too. Now I can concentrate on getting those abs. Very soon I will have defined chests too. Woah...

Time flies. I have just completed Week 3 of BMT. I read through my previous posts just now and I can't stop feeling that time really flies. By March 12 when I read back, I will be damn proud of myself, regardless of whether I make it to the commando airborne course. I have gotten used to army life. The quick pace, the food, the PTs and the perspiration. Kah Leong is right. PT can be fun too. Especially when you know that some part of your body is getting oiled. Don't get me wrong. I don't love it but I don't hate it either.

Monday was the worst day of BMT. Fresh from a much-needed break, we were subjected to some tough PTs. Come to think of it, I can't remember what training. I have it all written in my little small book , but I left it in camp. I only know that it was very tough and all of us were very demoralised. If that is a typical day in camp, then we are goners. Lectures were cramped in between physical training and we were running from place to place like some mad horses. From 5:30am all the way till 8:00pm. Just imagine the amount of work we did. Better still, I did not sleep well the previous night. In fact I did not sleep well for 3 nights in a row. My cough has become a real nuisance now. I even coughed till my head hurts. On tuesday, I reported sick because I started to have some green substance called mucus in my nose. Oh boy, it was super slack in the medical centre. We stayed there all the way till noon after seeing the medical officer. I killed time by reading newspapers and magazines. Then it got me thinking how lucky the medics were. They could watch tv, listen to music and use the computer. What a life.

The rest of the week was totally opposite of what we thought it would be. After some physical activities in the morning, the rest of the day was either lectures, weapon training or resting in the bunks. Talking about weapons, we just completed our SAR21 practical and theory test on Friday. Well, not surprisingly, everyone passed. That's not the point. The point is how fast we got bored with our new toy. We are supposed to be damn proud and honoured to hold the SAR21 because only the 200 plus of us get to use it. The rest of the recruits on Tekong still use the M16. But after so much rigorous and boring training involving the weapon, plus the extra weight it gives us during the route march, SAR21 has become a burden. Oh ya, we also carried it during our Standard Obstacle Course (SOC) training. It was not only a burden but also an extra obstacle. You never know when it is going to get into your way and whack you hard, giving you a few bruises to bring home.

Another important event during the week is the route march. This time, it's 8km. Not so bad, considering we get to stop for a 15 minute break every 4km. Still, it's not something easy especially when you are carrying the SBO(some pouch), helmet, backpack and SAR21. My rifle was wet at the end of the walk. That's how much I perspired. That happened on Wednesday, a day after I saw the doctor. I wasn't in the best of health but I had to complete it because I don't want to re-take it, and that spurred me on.

Next week would be an interesting week. From what I know, my platoon would be going to Hendon for swimming. That day will be tough as there is also power running after swimming. We will be getting our very own brand new SAR21 too. The one we are using now belongs to the camp. We will be going to SAFTI for range shooting. Not the real thing yet, just shooting at the screen. The highlight is the 12km route march. This time, we will be marching to Pasir Ris beach in full battle gear(with added weights). Sounds exciting.... and tough.

Army is in me now. The only thing which bothers me is my fitness. Very soon, we will be going to Tekong for training. If my body fails me, I will be lagging behind. It is very demoralising. I always give my best during training and I hope my efforts will bear fruit soon.

6 more weeks to go.


Saturday, January 22, 2005

Army life is almost an exact opposite of the life I used to live. In the beginning, I was happy-go-lucky person. I do things at the very last minute and am still able to pull it off. I live a slow-paced life, taking my own sweet time to get things done. I was living in my own world, away from any interference from anyone. No one bothered to reprimand me for anything. Lastly, I was ill-disciplined when it came to fitness. It would take a miracle to dislodge me from my comfortable home and run the neighbourhood.

Now, everything is different. I can't afford to take one step at a time. I have to plan ahead. Just like preparing my uniform beforehand, tidying my stuff in anticipation of a spot-check, running up and down in order to meet the time limit set by the sergeant and enduring the frequent and sudden outbursts by the sergeants and sirs. Everything in camp has already been planned for us. Discipline is of utmost importance during this period. But it's getting too disciplined for my liking.

I know that the training do me more good than harm. I will be able to shed off my excess fats as well as build up my muscles. But I still feel disheartened when I'm not improving as fast as I would like to. It's going to take a lot of effort for me to be back in shape again. Morale was at an all-time low during the first few days in camp. I have lost the art of motivation and humour. I didn't feel like cracking jokes or even talking inside. Seriously, I believe I have changed. Perhaps matured a little. I always hold the belief that maturity and humour cannot co-exist.

During my time out, I learnt to treasure every moment I have. I looked at things from a different angle. In the past, I usually glance around, but now I take a second look at things. Even small things fascinate me now. I feel like a just-rescued Robinson Crusoe. I enjoy talking to people and I am starting to enjoy shopping now. I am almost like a brand new person. Also, I learnt the importance of exercise. I was never tired during the daytime in camp but it's a different story at home. Anyway I did enjoy my long break back in the civilian world and I will be looking forward to the next weekend. Well, that and sleeping time every night is my driving force now.

There is 7 more weeks of BMT left. March 12 is my ultimate aim. I have got to work extremely hard and find some aspects of military life to enjoy. That, I think, is the key for a smooth ride through BMT.

Friday, January 21, 2005

As I mentioned on 6 Jan, I was feeling really down. On the morning of my enlistment, I was nervous. I saw the line of cars goint to the camp. I saw the soldiers on duty there and I saw the red-beret officers there. They were smiling, but only at that time. It was as if I have just entered hostile land. The oath taking ceremony came and gone, refreshments came and gone and my parents came and gone.

The next few days was just checking equipment and teaching us how to do basic stuff. Physical training(PT) also started after a few days. The thing I hate most about PT is the warming-up session. It is so sickeningly long and rather useless other than forcing me to frip tonnes of sweat. Oh by the way, I did lose a few tonnes of sweat inside. No joke. Our PT include weight training, long distance running(4km), push-ups, pull-ups, crunches, sit-ups. All the normal things, just that the intensity is higher and frequency is higher than in school. Also, there will always be some sergeant shouting here and there. Oh yah, there is also this ting called drills. In other words, marching. I went in there without the slightest idea of marching and the commands. Now I have learnt but it is still difficult to react when a very fast string of commands come pouring in.

We also had lectures in camp. Those periods are one of the most torturous times. Well, the officers there are not well-trained in speech so it makes it difficult for us not to fall asleep. But there is always a threat of some sergeant coming by and catching you. This is so especially next week onwards when they can punish you severely(that is when the adjustment period is over). From next week, we will start to have lectures on weapons handling and outfield. Sounds interesting but it is again another extra responsibility and effort to keep awake.

Life is becoming monotonous in camp. For me, I wake up slightly more than half an hour before the official waking time. I don't like to rush to get things done. So I take my time to wash up and pack my things. Water parade will follow. Now, drinking water is a good thing but it's really awful trying to finish up half a FAT bottle of water when you are not thirsty. It takes some skill. However this is the essential factor which prevented me from getting seriously ill in my 2 weeks stay there. Next is breakfast then area cleaning. In between, we have to fall in and march from barrack to cookhouse. I am getting sick of falling in and marching. It's just a waste of time and effort. Normally there are 2 main activities a day and perhaps some lecture or talk in between. PTs, drills, swimming and standard obstacle course(SOC) training are usually the main activities. One in the morning and one in the afternoon hot sun. This means we often have to do warming-up twice a day. I remember the most uncomfortable period was when we did our warm-up on the wet grass in long number 4 uniform. Anyway our day usually ends after dinner for the past 2 weeks. Night training will start from next week and it will burn us out seriously. Military life is very hectic and stressful. The sergeants always give us less than sufficient time to get things done and we have to move with maximum speed, often getting no respite. Our free time in the afternoon is getting shorter and shorter. Training is getting packed and I'm not enjoying it one bit.

I am indeed surprised that time passes so quickly and 2 weeks' of unhappiness have gone. I have been pushing myself every training and telling myself not to give up. My muscles worked overtime and my heart was crying for help. I don't know how to describe the feeling anymore, because it has already become numb. Whatever I need to do during PT, I do my best and no more. I have forgotten what it means to be tired. Nowadays, I don't feel tired even during lights-off. Yes, I have learnt things in the army. I have learnt to treasure things in the civilian world much more than before. I learnt to appreciate the love people give me outside. I learnt the value of freedom and I learnt discipline. With discipline comes many things. I am overjoyed to be back home again with all my loved ones around me. I dare not think of what is coming up in the weeks' to come. It is going to be tougher than the past 2 weeks. Ok, I will just mention there is this night training which will end close to midnight and there is this outfield training. We are going to Tekong the week after CNY for our field training for about 10 days. I have never gone camping in the wild before. And I am not looking forward to it really. It is the same feeling I had 2 weeks' ago, so everything will pass very quickly again I suppose. My aim now is to reach the physical standards to pass my IPPT(fitness test) and SOC. Whether I pass my commando fitness test is another story. Nothing else matters.

I shall elaborate further in my situation now. I am currently training in Pasir Ris Camp. I am in the Basic Tactics Wing of the Special Warfare Tactics School. It is a school of Commandos. We are the only batch of Commando recruits for this batch. Sounds prestigious ya? Anyway we are undergoing basic military training(BMT) just like the people in Tekong. The only difference is that our training is slightly tougher and if we pass the standard requirements for BMT AND also the Airborne Selection Test(only for commandos), we will pass out as commandos. If we do not pass the latter, then we will get posted to other units, like the people in Tekong. If we do pass it, we will go for airborne(parachuting) training for one month and some selected vocational training(signals, medic, leader etc.) for 3 months after which we will be operationally ready commandos. That will be in June.

I came back late today because I went out with May straight after I booked out. I unloaded my huge bag to my dad and ran off to find May. Everything I saw was new to me. Refreshing in a sense. It seems like I have just come from some Chinese village. Anyway, I am feeling really tired now. So I'm going to type my army experience tomorrow. Stay tuned!

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Hmm.. Tonight is the last night. I can't bear to countdown. I have packed everything I need for my stay in camp for the next 2 weeks. When I look at the things, I feel that I am moving out of the house and stay on my own.Somehow, my bag seems much heavier than the one I brought for my HK trip. Perhaps now, my heart is much heavier. Well, Shaun told me not to go in with the 'sian' attitude. I'm trying not to, but I guess it's not possible, not until I see the people in my platoon, how cruel the instructors can get and the living conditions in camp. I am optimistic about things, or I am trying to. I will miss everyone and everything out here. See you people in 2 weeks' time!

7 January. A new life. In a red beret. A heavy heart. An unwilling soul. A duty to fufill. A responsibility to bear. Hands stretching out. Refuse to let go. 8am. Time to go. Back turned. Everything left behind. Wait for my return. To resume the unfinished. Perspiration will drip. Muscles will overwork. Yells will ring. 2 weeks will flash. 2 years will flash. A man by then.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Tomorrow is my last day of civilian life. I don't know that to type now. I have expressed all my feelings in previous posts. In fact, I can't make out my own feelings now. Am I afraid? Excited? Uneasy? Sad? Relieved? Well, I don't know. But I do know that the past few days have been sort of a comfort for me. I am a social person, not that I didn't realise it. I just confirmed it. I need people to talk to, to play with, to crap with and to hang out with. Hmm.. If this is true(well it is), I would have a great time in army. It will be like a looong chalet or a looong OBS. That's comforting.

Today, we went to play badminton. It was a casual affair and we met May's class too. I saw Peng Li. We will be enlisting together and will have each other's company until we have to leave for our different units. That is great! Nothing beats being with a friend in a strange land.

I went with my mum to buy some more things for my army. A brush for washing clothes, marker and other stuff. Then we went to look for my camp. A month ago, I thought that Pasir Ris Camp(School of Commandos) was very near Pasir Ris MRT. When I saw the map yesterday, it wasn't as near as I thought. When I looked for it today, it was a distance I never dreamt of. First, we had to drive past Meridian JC. Then we reached the fish farm estate and it was a very long drive in. The roads were very straight, deserted, bus-stopless, taxiless and humanless(no such words for your info). If this sort of environment is typical to most army camps and training fields, it is no wonder ghost sightings are common. Anyway, when we finally reached it, I heaved a sigh of relief. It was very nice on the outside. It seemed like it was only built last year. I was happy with it. But looks can be deceiving. They might have monsters in the guise of officers inside. More importantly, I saw no sign of training there. Haha.

All in all, it is an inaccessible place. I don't mind though. What matters in the inside. Praise the Lord. Friday is coming soon. *winkz* Pray for me folks!

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

I went to Tampines to see a doctor regarding my hand. The problem has been going on for ages and I finally made up my mind to consult a professional, instead of bringing worries with me to camp. The polyclinic was crowded. It was full of elderly people and mothers with their children. Ahh.. It was a long wait and my mind wandered to the time when I was in primary school. I didn't even know what NS was. My cousins are about the same age as me and I seldom heard stories of it. Secondary school made me more conscious of NS. Still, I didn't think it will make a great difference to my life, nor would it affect me a slightest bit. Well, I was sure I would be just a normal soldier since I wear specs and I am the only son. JC made me more aware of the physical requirements of NS. However, being the lazy me, to hell with NS! I did my part during PE and nothing more after that, except playing soccer.

Now, here I am, 2 days to enlistment. All kinds of thoughts and regrets rushing through my mind like some pressed-for-time train. What if I had trained up earlier? What if I had joined a uniformed group in sec school? What if I had rejected commandoes outright? No use thinking about it now. It is amazing how fast 18 years pass. It will be unbelievable how fast 2 years pass.

My personal training programme is losing steam. I am not improving as fast as I need to be. I am very certain I will get selected for extra training. I will also pull my whole platoon down with me. I hate that. I hate relying on others. I also hate dragging others down with me. But God is with me. I have to find solace in God again. I feel so guilty having to look for him only when I am helpless and miserable. I'm bringing a bible with me. Praise the Lord!

Monday, January 03, 2005

It's a bright new day! I am feeling better these days. I have been sticking to my exercise regime faithfully and my family is going with me to the camp. Actually, things are not that bad after all. The camp is one of the newest and I believe we will not be treated like dogs, considering our academic qualifications. Today, my class and I went to play soccer at Boon Wee's house. My leg muscles are aching now. I am not complaining. It is a good sign. It is better for them to ache now than when training starts. We also went to buy army stuff, like shirt and pants. All these are extra stuff. I really hope that my room mates and platoon mates have the sanity to try and change their clothes frequently. Anyway, everything is in order. All that I need to bring has been dealt with. I even tried on my new specs today. Feels good, except for the part behind the ear.

Yes, all is ready, ready for the big day.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

I've been training my arm muscles today. Train until I can't do anymore pull-ups or push-ups. My only concern is the running part. That has always been my weakness. As the days go by, I fell the sense of loss in me grow. This is the first time I have no idea about what's going to happen and there is no direction in my life. I'm not afraid of the tough training, I worry about other things. Minor things like my family, May and how the people inside are going to torture us. Since young, I hate being scolded. I remember one incident in secondary school when I was scolded by an unreasonable teacher just before a Chem paper. It totally took my focus off the paper and it took me more than a week to put the incident behind. I believe this is the first mental test of army life, and it will not be the last.

I completely lost interest in my games this afternoon. No prizes for guessing why. I tried the tv but there was nothing interesting. Then I tried the army guidebook I got from CMPB. It soothed me down somewhat as I got a clearer look at army life. However, it only showcased normal military life. What I am about to undergo is not normal, but special military training. Nevertheless, it offered me the little comfort that I need. Dear Lord Jesus, please help me pass through this difficult period.