Heart Pain

Today I went to visit my uncle who has lung cancer. It doesn't look good. I am not close to him. It is just a word of 'uncle' everytime I see him. But when I saw him today, I wondered if that would be the description of our relationship. To me, it is pathetic. From the very beginning, my impression of him was a man of few words, with some secret society background. Well, that was in his younger days. He has tattoos all over if you know what I mean. Today when I met him, he seemed a totally different person altogether. Before he even spoke, I saw the change in his eyes. It was like screaming out his pain and anguish, at the same time sobbing at his vulnerability. One thing for sure, he was really happy to see us. And for the first time, we had a nice little chat. Sadly, that chat reminded me of the last few times I spoke to my grandmother. I wanted to say and ask so many things, but they have difficulty catching what I was saying. The helplessness is overwhelming. Somehow I feel that they didn't get what I said, but just went along for fear of irritating us. But it doesn't, it just makes me more determind. Although it was a short chat, I knew what he wanted to do. He wants to make up for all the times we didn't speak to each other. And I spoke to him, I didn't want to regret not speaking to him when I could..just like my grandma.

His daughter is disappointing. She doesn't seem to realise the magnitude of his illness. Either that or she doesn't bother. She is 12 this year but instead of maturing, she gets naughtier. My uncle was trying to talk some sense into her just now. Im fact, it was pleading. He told her he didn't have much time left to scold her. My heart broke. It's obvious his greatest worry is his daughter. Sadly, she seem ignorant of the fact.

When one is nearing the end, many things come to mind. Many regrets. Many unfulfilled wishes. Many worries. Instead of fear of death, I saw love instead. My uncle is a brave man, but even the bravest cannot escape having to worry about the loved ones he leaves behind. It's really heart-wrenching to see such a situation so near me. Now I understand why the 'immortals' in movies always dread their lives. It is the pain of seeing the people around you go one by one. I'm digressing. I only pray that my uncle can leave his worries behind and do what he wants to do most. That is what I will do.